Coundown till the surgery | 79 days ...

SLIGHT EDIT: there are 79 days.. I made a mistake lol will update it soon...

Hi there! I'm sorry it's been a long while ... I was too busy and haven't had the chance to keep my blog up-to-date. I did a lot of writing in the past few weeks and I'm already at 30,000 word count on my story that I'm writing. I'm just writing a bit less as things have changed a bit. I'm back at work and have less time to write. I try to do both, continue to work on that story and write here and there some poems but today I feel totally blocked. My mind was somewhere else and not where it should be.

I made this calendar so I know how many days I have left till the surgery. I rather want to know how many days there are left rather than to know what day it is today. Wow as of today 80 more days .... huh, I'm bit excited but not sure I have mixed feelings. Right now I am calm but very thoughtful and very tired so I did not get much to write today. I am feeling a bit blocked. I guess I have a writer's block, sort of ... :)

I put this calendar on my wall and have it right in front of me. It feels strange to have it here on my wall. I printed it only in black and white as I ran out of "color ink" :)

I will end this blog here. I don't know what else to write ... will write more when I come closer that that day "zero" :) Thanks for reading!!

Day 11 | Still the same day

I felt like writing again. This is really addicting. When I was outside for a walk, I switched off my hearing aid as this beeping when I turn left or right or up it makes beep. Why? Because my hearing aid is set very loud and is very sensitive to movements or when something comes close, so I just switched it off because I didn't need it. It was a long walk and I was sure that I wouldn't bump into anyone.

So I was walking there without hearing a sound. It was strange. I looked at the traffic and the cars and felt like that I did hear something or maybe that was just this - knowing what it sounds like that you start to think that you do hear it - you get it? I still do hear but not 100% you know but when I was walking I didn't hear anything at all since without the hearing aid I hear nothing or very, very little. So I was walking there and looked my feet and felt the vibration but no sound, kinda strange if you ask me.

I still feel very frustrated that I cannot hear well but I try to do other things to distract my mind till I have the other MRI check, before I can speak with my doctor! I stopped by at the local stationery and bought some new pens. Yeah I love it, this shop is like heaven to a writer *lol*. On my way home I bumped into one of my friends from the sign language course. I am not attending the Spring course because I started to work and it just didn't work out with my time schedule. When I saw her I quickly switched on my hearing aid and it took me some 6 seconds till I could hear her. I told her that I have those problems with hearing again and we chatted a bit. She was so nice and spoke slowly and with her lips you like expressing it more so I was able to comprehend. She did also sign a bit when I couldn't hear what she was saying, which was cool. I so miss sign language and I'm so out of the course right now. I feel like I forgot most of it.

Anyway, she told me that there's a free group meeting I think on Monday, not sure if I did understand her right, and everyone can come and practice a bit with the other people. I will have to send the deaf center an email asking when that is. I'm not sure that I got the information right. She did show me a message telling her when that meeting would be but I had no notes with me so I couldn't take notes and now I think I forgot the details*lol*. Anyhow, I look forward to next week to meet the group.

Day 11| Still feeling tired

Hi there!!

I finally got into the groove of blogging regularly. I have time now that I'm on sick leave and don't know what else to do or how else to use me time. I can't watch TV, I mean I can but the voices are really hard to hear and I understand very little and it's frustrating so I'll do other things instead. Here's what I found today. One of my copies from my hearing curve from last year. My current hearing is lower than on this picture here but I thought to share. It's quite unusual isn't it?

I wonder if anyone is reading this *lol* I changed the settings so anyone can comment and it's very easy so if you want *lol* leave me a comment and say hi! =)

I've been decluttering my room this morning and I can't believe how hard it can to get rid of all the papers that were here and there. I had lots of notes, print-outs and things and it was hard to throw them away. Uh, *lol* am I the only one who has that problem? Hm, I wonder.... =) I'm a writer and I love paper and I always think 'hm, I could need that note.' I need to get better organised and keep those little notes somewhere in a folder, all in one place and not spread out everywhere.

This is so frustrating ... my internet connection cut me off and I lost the last bit of my blog post grrrr.... so I'll make it short. I said that now that I cannot hear so well I'll use this time to blog regularly and my little challenge for this month will be that I want to try to write one poem a day, which is already a lot as it's not always easy to come up with ideas but I had good practice. I've been writing for almost a year so that's good! Now that I am on sick leave I have to use somehow my time efficiently and I'll do this for some time. So there, I'll end this blog here. You'll hear from me tomorrow!

Thanks for reading!! =)

Day 10 | Why do I feel so strange?

Why do I feel so kinda blah today??

Feeling blue

I cannot explain. I feel tired most of the time and I am not sure if that comes from my tinnitus or maybe because today a year ago my grandpa passed away and it makes me upset but I don't feel that sad. I was able to put the grief to an end. I sleep 8 hours more than what I used to sleep when I was working and I still feel very exhausted. I don't do any physical work that I could blame and I still feel very weak and exhausted. Could it be that this tinnitus that I constantly hear makes me feel tired because I cannot fall asleep easily at night and that it takes me some time till I'm in deep sleep? I mean I don't do any hard work and I still feel tired and cannot be outside for so long.

I went out for a walk, was sitting on a bench when I almost fell asleep there, how weird :) I feel so exhausted and constantly hear this ringing in my head it's really annoying.... I know I just have to be patient but for how long?

I picked up my x-rays today and they seem to be okay. They checked my petrosal bone, all is normal and okay. So I'll have to wait for the other MRI check before I can speak with my doctor about the implant. Right now I'm not that scared. I drove myself crazy in the past few days that now I'm relatively calm :) but I know this won't last for long. When it gets serious and I'll know my operation date I'll be pretty nervous ....

Hearing loss | Day 9 My hearing curve

Can you see my curve? That was made when I went to my acoustician a few days after my acute hearing loss. It's almost at the bottom and it totally sucks... but well... I hope better times will come.

Right now, on my 9th day I think I do hear a bit!!! =) It's strange I cannot really explain it. I feel like that I can hear more than what I used to but still not very much to comprehend. People still have to shout so that I could hear a wee bit but I can hear a bit. Nonetheless I'll go for the cochlear implant operation as I want to hear 80 % or more and not just a little bit. It's already very hard this way but I want it to get better. I know things will get better I am just scared of that what's to come this new hearing as I've never experience it. It makes me feel scared.

Will my ear be able to adopt that new hearing this implant in my head? Will it be able to work well? You know I have thousand questions right now. Will also my tinnitus disappear after the operation? I mean I can bear this sound in my head but it's really distracting and I'm not sure if this is why I feel so tired? I mean I have my 7h of sleep but still right now when all this is happening I feel more tired than before. Maybe this rushing noise makes me exhausted? What do you think?

Hearing loss | Day 7 lots of headache ....

Hi there! 

On Sunday, I went out for a little walk. It was snowing overnight and we had lots of snow here. I felt much better after my little blackout and wanted to get out a bit, so as not to stay inside. It was good for my head to get some fresh air.

I must admit that later I did have some headache but maybe because it was an exhausting day and I didn't take a nap during the day. If I had, it would have messed up my whole sleep at night so I didn't ...

I'll keep this blog today short and will write more soon! :)

I passed out | and slight headache afterwards

Can you believe? Last night I passed out ... I mean I had a blackout, can you believe?? Wow, it's scary when I think about it.

It happened all so fast that I still cannot believe it. I went to the toilet and then all of a sudden I just saw everything black although my eyes were open. I stood up and after a few seconds later my brother found me on the floor laying there. Gosh.... I only heard this 'bang' and was on the ground. I'm not sure how long I've been without consciousness but I guess it was a short time. Later I felt okay but my head was hurting me badly. I my right side of the head and instead of going to the doctor I went later to bed. I just had to rest my head. I couldn't immediately fall asleep. I sleep very bad that day. I mean I woke up at about 3.30 AM and couldn't sleep anymore. My head wasn't hurting me anymore but still.... I have no idea what caused the blackout, maybe it was my circulation or just my equilibrium sense or something else.

At present I'm doing okay, still my head hurts when I touch that spot where hit myself but otherwise I'm fine. I mean I do feel like I have slight headache but that's because of the fact that I fell. Tomorrow I'll go to my doctor to get that x-ray done which I need for the pre operation check ups for the cochlear implant so I'll tell him that I had a blackout.

I still have that rushing noise in my head and it's driving me crazy. Well I can live with it but it makes me mentally exhausted and I cannot do much because of that. I don't know what else to say. It was a really crazy day for me last night and I wish it will not repeat itself again!!!!!